Friday, December 25, 2009

When I come home

I only dream of you, when I get done screaming at you and my conscience needs to heal.
In the back yard when we were young I learn to throw this sympathy until I get what I need
Now that we started to age I throw out our regrets this way, thinking time will heal change.
Time DOESN'T heal the mistakes we've made.

We drive over the bridge til the lights spread over our heads and the stars begin to blend
When we visit our homes they are disasters we view from a far and wish them all away
Though they're gone the memory stays
And when I come home
I give up
I give up
On you

A few post ago, I talked about feeling down and needing some good news soon. I'm a processor .. it takes me a bit of time to understand what or how a feel about a situation. I tend to paint it out... but I have just been watching season 1 and 2 of Dexter, eating pizza and just not thinking about it. Well my lil brother does what he does best. He put it into a new song. I'm doing a split 7in for the showcase and he was able to visit a recording studio while in Texas (he is actually still in Tx now) He sent me the song last night.

When Matt and I were young we both had some interesting experiences in Texas. This trip was the first time I had been back there since I was 18 and his first time since leaving. He was 6 when we left. He wanted me to take him to all the places he could remember. So the place that causes so much pain in my heart I was now acting as a tour guide for him. We explored old apartments and the memories poured out of both of us. It was so weird. The memories for Matt were so vivid for being so young. I was 14 when we went to Iowa so I expected to remember a lot.... I did. We went into his old daycare where I would pick him up everyday. It hadn't changed. One of the apartments had been damaged but the hurricane last year and boarded up. This was a bummer to both of us as we had a ton of memories there. We stood out on the street and let them come to us instead of going to them. The last apartment we lived in prior to moving to Iowa I was able to look through the window. I didn't see the owners stuff but my mind changed it I almost could see her at the table in the kitchen. The brick didn't block my vision of the upstairs every detail, where furniture was placed, the closet I would lock myself in when my patience wore thin. I think back to us recounting this or that...and the only positive memory was Matt learning how to ride a bike. We went to 4-5 places .. and between both of us.... just one? We don't talk about what happened much .. this was our first time to remember something the we experienced with no one else. We decided not to see the person responsible for so many bad memories although she knew we were there. We gave up on her a long time ago.

The next day I got a call informing me that I didn't get the Chicago job and I was not being considered for a supervisor job back in DSM. I'm completely over my current job and finding it hard to not just pack my bags and live with Aunt Pam and Uncle Jeff. Matt will be moving out in the next year a room will be open. But that is just me not being logical. Something will give soon on the job situation. It has too... Stinkin Matt making me process.

Its a great song, I can't wait to hear it through a needle. Now season 3 of Dexter here I come and maybe a trip to see Sherlock Holmes,

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